Running With The Wind

Behind Closed Curtains

The room was held in a thick darkness; its only light from a single lamp post glowing blue behind the pulled curtains.  I was lying back in a big leather chair.  His dark image hovered above me in a rhythmic motion while the darkness  suffocated me and my body stuck to the chair.  The mixture of his cologne, his skin, and and the chill of late autumn filled my nose.  At fourteen I knew there was no use in crying, no use in screaming; no one would listen (no one ever had).  So all I could do was lay there, held in the secrecy of evening and let him do what he wanted with me.  All held in the hope that he would finally stop and start being my father…

wildfire
still burns deeply
in the barren ground

Free

weeping
those summer days
I held tight to your branches
swinging in the breeze
free from his violation
still innocent in your leaves

Daddy’s Girl

Always trapped

I hid in my toy box
When I heard you call my name
The racing of my heart fills my ears

Oh Daddy
Yes, what ever you think is right must be truth;
I am wrong, I am the one who is messed up.
What ever I’ve done in my seven years of life has been terrible
And I must pay the consequences-

By your hands
Or by belt buckle
And constantly by your words

Alway trapped

Now I am ten and now no where to hide
I can only bury my feelings to survive.
Your hands all over me
Telling me I am good
And of all of the clothes you’ll buy me in return.

I scream inside “God help me-Daddy why!”
An agreement is broken forever:
The biggest breach of my trust

Always trapped

Now older I have grown used to the routine
And I have moved on with another man; many actually.
So I guess I still converse with you-
My self-worth is so little
I am forever tainted
By your words, your hands, your sick mind
So I remain that little girl hiding in my toy box
looking for protection, looking for love

I am trapped-
Forever,
with you.